11. Book Report: The Four Agreements

I am Deidrea Kiesling and you’re listening to The Success Minded Woman, episode 11. Today I’m switching it up a bit and going to do a book report on one of my favorite books of all time, The Four Agreements. Stay tuned.

Hi, I’m Deidrea, wife, and mom to three teenagers, coffee snob, and certified life and business coach. If you’re a high-achieving, goal-oriented woman and you know you were meant for more, then you are a success minded woman and you’re in the right place. I’m here to help you make the money and the impact you’ve been dreaming of, to step into your confidence, create habits and systems to support you, ditch that imposter syndrome, and harness the power of your mind. If you’re ready to create a life and business you love, then let’s go. I’m so glad you’re here.

The Four Agreements is a book that was published in 1997 by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is a book about how to be in the world, how to look at the world and experience the world and yourself through these four agreements. Don Miguel Ruiz is a Mexican author and spiritual teacher who's written several books on personal growth and spirituality. This book, The Four Agreements has sold over eight million copies and has been translated into 46 languages, making it one of the most widely read books on personal development.

The subtitle of the book is, A Personal Guide to Personal Freedom. And the four agreements are how to create personal freedom and being free is the way to create the life and business of your dreams. So the four agreements are number one, be impeccable with your word. Number two, don't take anything personally. Number three, don't make assumptions and number four, always do your best. I’m going to talk about each one of them and what I've learned from it and how you can apply it in your daily life, how I did and how you can too.

This has been a frame of reference and guide for me for over 30 years. I have multiple copies of this book. I first learned about this book when I heard Oprah Winfrey mention it on her talk show back in the 90s. Oprah has been such a mentor and role model for me and I read so many books that I learned about from her show. But this book in particular changed me forever when I read it. And over the years of rereading it and studying it and applying it in my life, I realize how different my interpretations have been over the years on my journey of self-discovery.

And what I have learned is that it's one thing to hear something or read something and that it’s so revolutionary to your way of being and thinking that it blows your mind. But then it's quite another to live into that truth and implement it into your daily life. And this book, and these agreements is one of those things where you will keep rereading it, keep considering the agreements and how to apply them in your life. And you will change as you live into these four agreements.

Even just preparing for this podcast I realize how I’ve fallen short in some of these over the years but we are human and we’re not going to be perfect with these of course. They’re more of a guidepost that you can come back to over and over again. So I’m going to talk about each one in a little more detail. So agreement number one, be impeccable with your word. This is all about how our words have power. And when you are impeccable with your word, you speak with integrity, you say only what you mean, you avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.

Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. Our words have the power to build people up or tear them down and that is our responsibility to use our words in a way that uplifts and inspires others. And I think it's also so much about how we talk to ourselves, about ourselves, how we talk to others about ourself. Being impeccable with your word to me is also being impeccable with your thoughts that you think about yourself, your life and about others.

And when you're being impeccable with your word, it makes you really slow down with what you're saying and what you’re thinking to have a pause when you’re responding or reacting to something that's happening. Slow down so that you can be impeccable with your word.

Okay, agreement number two, don't take anything personally. This was the biggest one for me. This was the light bulb moment. This was how everything changed for me really and how I think about everything when I read this. Don't take anything personally, what? What do you mean, don't take anything personally? How else can you take it, that’s what I was thinking when I read this. I was thinking, you mean what people say about me or what I think they think about me is not personal?

And this really began my whole journey of self-discovery that I'm still on, finding my own truth, trusting myself and not what others say or think about me. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a perception of their own reality. And when you’re immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of endless suffering.

Ruiz reminds us that we are each on our own journey and that other people's behavior is a reflection of their own beliefs and experiences. He encourages us to detach from the opinions and actions of others and to focus on our own journey and our own growth. Of course, this is easier said than done, but the more you have awareness of this agreement you can catch yourself when you're taking things personally and decide how you want to respond or think about it.

For me, I notice when I’m taking something personally, it's really what I'm thinking about myself. Then I ask myself, is this true? Do I want to believe this? Do I like this about myself? Is this something I want to learn from and grow from and change? So when you're not taking anything personally from a defensive and argumentative perspective you can take it personally in just a reflective way of how you're thinking and feeling about yourself, not from being attacked or reacting but just from an awareness of is it true? Is that what you want to think about yourself?

But not taking it personally, for me the biggest aha was that I thought that what other people said about me or what I thought other people thought about me was true. I didn't even know that there was the option to not take it personally, I just thought it was true. But when you know that it's debatable whether it's true and it’s your decision whether you can take something personally or not. To me this was total eye opening and freedom and an awareness that I can consider when I am reacting to something, it’s because I'm taking it personally.

And then I can choose really if I want to believe this or not or if it's something that I really don't like about myself and I'm reacting to it and taking it personally because it's something I don’t like about myself. And it’s something that I want to change. So for me, this is the biggest of all the agreements to not take things personally. And so I really encourage you to just go take one day and notice all the things that you are taking personally. This is a lifelong agreement and a lifelong lesson, but you will be amazed at how often throughout your day you are taking things personally.

And then you could just think it's funny. There I go again taking something personally. And then you can just decide, do I want to take this personally? What does this mean to me that I'm taking this personally? And what do I want to choose to think or feel or respond, instead of being defensive and argumentative or just thinking negatively about myself.

Okay, agreement number three, this is another big one, don't make assumptions. So when you make assumptions you’re limiting yourself and your experience of the world based on your own history and your own way of being and thinking. When you make assumptions you can’t really listen and understand others because you’re assuming that they’re thinking and feeling and believing the same as you in any given situation or any given circumstance.

When you make assumptions you’re just shutting down the possibilities and creativity because you're assuming that you know what the other person's going to say, what their company is like. Whatever you’re making assumptions about is that you’re just thinking that your truth is their truth and so you're not really listening. So when you're open to not making assumptions, you really can get out of your own mind and be really present and listening to what the other person is saying or even what you're experiencing.

This one comes up a lot for me especially with my kids. When I just assume that they’re thinking something because of something that they did or something that happened. I am projecting what I think for me, if I was a kid and what I would be thinking and feeling, instead of asking them, “Well, how does that make you feel or what were you thinking when that happened?” And so many times it’s completely different than how it was when I was a kid if that same thing happened.

So this is just something really that you can take in every role in your life, with your family, as a parent, if you’re an employee with a team leader or really in any area of your life. When you don't make assumptions, you ask clarifying questions, you don't jump to conclusions. You’re really basically doing active listening or you're listening, I heard Gayle King say this one time, listening with both ears, you’re not thinking about what to say next. You’re actually listening and you’re not making assumptions about what they're about to say or what they’re meaning to say, you're just really open and listening.

And then you can respond more thoughtfully and with more consideration and you really can make more connection with another person when you are not making assumptions. So for this one, it really requires some courage, courage to ask questions and express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstanding, sadness and drama. And with this one agreement you really can completely transform your life because it can help you connect more with other people because you can get to know them more.

You can get to know certain situations and experience some things differently by not assuming that everyone thinks and feels and is experiencing life the same way as you. And especially I think in relationships this is the one that is most helpful because especially if we’re having some conflict in a relationship, we’re usually thinking or making assumptions about what they did or what they’re thinking or how they're making us feel. And we’re assuming their perspective and we’re assuming their intention, but really it's just our assumptions, we don't really know.

And that's where courage comes in, to have those difficult conversations, those hard questions where you can approach it with curiosity, with compassion and have the courage to ask the questions and not assume that you know maybe the motivation why someone did something or what they were thinking or what they meant. You can really drop the defensiveness and judgment and be open and curious with another person and have courageous conversations. So this to me is so powerful. This is probably the one that’s the hardest for me.

I’m actually feeling like I’m going to cry a little bit because it's so hard, especially for me in my experience with relationships, to have the courage to have those hard conversations. And I do think that's where you can have a lot of breakthroughs in your relationships when you're willing to do this. And for me this is the hardest one. This is the one that’s the most challenging for me.

Alright, agreement number four, I love this one. Always do your best. And the thing is, that your best is going to change from moment to moment. It will be different when you are healthy as opposed to when you're sick. When you have everything going right in your life versus when maybe you have a lot of things going on, a death in your family or an illness or maybe some financial problems. So your best is going to vary based on the circumstances of your life.

But when you simply do your best you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret. This is a big part of when I look back at the past and know that I did my best. You did your best. That was all you could do. It was the best you could do. And for me that, it plays into a lot of self-forgiveness and self-compassion especially looking at the past and thinking, well, what if this had happened or what if I had done that, or what if they had done this, or what if I had handled this better, looking at the past negatively with regret.

But when you look at it through this lens of always doing your best, you can look back and think, well, you did your best, I did my best. That was what you did, it was your best. But now you can do things differently, your best can get better because you learn and you’ve grown. And I heard Oprah say this and I think she was quoting Maya Angelou, but when you know better you do better. And that's one of the things I like about always do your best when you're looking at the past. You did the best you could. They did the best they could. They were doing their best.

And sometimes your best isn't good enough but you did your best. And now you can do your best with the self-awareness of trusting yourself and being kind to yourself and that is how you can always do your best. Listening to your intuition, when you know you should go for a walk because you told yourself you would or not eat that dessert because you said you wouldn't or make the phone call because it's important. You will know you did your best because you did it. And if you didn't do that, it was your best and that's okay, you can learn and grow.

Your best will be better because you will trust yourself and love yourself. And that is how old you overcome regret, with self-love and compassion. And that is how you're always doing your best. Doing your best will get better, you will get better at doing your best with more self-awareness because just having compassion with yourself helps you do your best. So the main thing that I've taken away from these agreements and that's helped me so much in my life and I hope that this will help you as well is that your life is your responsibility. My life is my responsibility.

You can choose how to respond or react to the circumstances of your life. You can choose how you interpret the stories of your life and the stories about yourself. Living by these four agreements is how you become the hero of your life and not the victim of the circumstances of your life. One of my favorite quotes that has become a mantra of mine is from my mentor, Jim Forden. And it embodies the lessons of these four agreements. If it is to be, it’s up to me. And living by these four agreements gives us the tools to make this mantra true.

If everything I want and dream of is up to me, the good news is I can change it. The bad news is it is up to me. So in closing this podcast, I want to leave you with this beautiful passage from chapter seven of the book. I want you to forget everything you have learned in your whole life, this is the beginning of a new understanding, a new dream, the dream you are living is your creation. It is your perception of reality that you can change at any time. Why not dream a different dream? Why not use your mind, your imagination and your emotions to dream your biggest dream.

Just use your imagination and a tremendous thing will happen. Imagine that you have the ability to see the world with different eyes whenever you choose, each time you open your eyes you see the world around you in a different way. Close your eyes now and then open them and look outside. What you will see is love coming out of the trees, love coming out of the sky, love coming out of the light. You will perceive love from everything around you. This is the state of bliss. You perceive love directly from everything, including yourself and other humans.

Even when humans are sad or angry, behind those feelings you can see that they are also sending love. Using your imagination and your new eyes of perception I want you to see yourself living a new life, a new dream, a life where you don't need to justify your existence and you are free to be who you really are. Imagine that you have permission to be happy and to really enjoy your life, your life is free of conflict with yourself and with others. Imagine living your life without fear of expressing your dreams. You know what you want, what you don't want and when you want it.

You are free to change your life the way you really want to. You are not afraid to ask for what you need, to say yes or no to anything or anyone. Imagine living your life without the fear of being judged by others. You no longer rule your behavior according to what others may think about you. You are no longer responsible for anyone's opinion. You have no need to control anyone and no one controls you either. Imagine living your life without judging others. You can easily forgive others and let go of any judgments that you have.

You don’t have the need to be right and you don't need to make anyone else wrong. You respect yourself and everyone else and they respect you in return. Imagine living without the fear of loving and not being loved. You are no longer afraid to be rejected and you don't have the need to be accepted. You can say ‘I love you’ with no shame or justification. You can walk in the world with your heart completely open and not be afraid to be hurt. Imagine living your life without being afraid to take a risk and to explore life. You are not afraid to lose anything. You are not afraid to be alive in the world and you are not afraid to die.

Imagine that you love yourself just the way you are, you love your body just the way it is and you love your emotions just the way they are. You know that you are perfect just as you are.

I love this so much and I love you. And I really hope that you all have gotten something out of this summary of my book report today and I encourage you to get the book for yourself. There's a lot more in the book besides these summaries of the agreements. Each agreement has a chapter and there’s a lot more to it. So I just kind of hit the highlights for the podcast, but these four agreements, they may seem simple but they have the power to transform our lives. By embracing these four agreements, we can cultivate more fulfilling relationships, a deeper sense of purpose and a greater sense of inner peace.

I remember one time one of my best friends, Lynne, and I were talking when all of our kids were really young. She has triplets and I had twins and we were in the thick of parenting, a lot of littles. I remember one night we were up late talking about what we really wanted. And both of us almost at the same time said, “Peace. We want peace.”

And that is what I wish for all of us, for all of you here listening on the podcast is peace. The peace, what we say in the Episcopal church, there is a prayer that we say, the peace that passes all understanding. So I'm sending you peace and love and hope today as I wrap up this podcast. And just want to encourage you, if you're looking for a practical guide to living a more authentic and fulfilling life, I highly recommend the book, The Four Agreements and I hope you’ll check it out. Thank you for tuning in today and I’ll talk to you all next week. Bye.

If you love what you’re learning here on the podcast and you want to start implementing these concepts into your daily life then you must get my free course where I will teach you how to get 10 hours back a week. Imagine what you could create with 10 more hours a week. So go to thedreamacademy.com/freecourse and learn about the magic wand of time. Thanks for listening. Bye.