23. Operating Instructions

In this episode we will talk about Instruction Manual.

Did you know you have a manual for your life?

This is our internal rule book and operating instructions on how we think we should be and everyone in the world and in our life should be.

Most of the time we are not even aware that we have this manual running our lives and it causes a lot of disappointment and dissatisfaction and sometimes even anger or frustration that people are not “following our manual”  which is doing or saying or reacting in a certain way ... .the way we think they should.

 The problem IS that we often don’t realize that we DO have our own operating instructions our OWN Manual of 

How we should be

How they should be - and I mean ‘they’ as in everyone but US

We have manuals for our

Our Spouse/Partner

Our children

Our friends

Our neighbors

The clerk at the grocery store

The drivers in traffic

The weather

The airlines

Our kids teachers

Our family…our mothers, our fathers….we have BIG MANUALS for them with a table of contents of ALL the things they should have DONE, they should NOT have done and how they should be with us NOW and with our kdis….etc etc etc

Once we realize we have these manuals running our life we can decide on purpose - write our manuals intentionally,  create our own Operating instructions for US and for OUR LIFE.

Life becomes much easier, more fun and less stressful and anxious when we drop our manuals of how we think things should be and allow people to be themselves.

We talk about:

• Getting our daily schedule as part of our daily operations
• Anne Lamott book: Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year
• Google says a manual is a book that gives you practical instructions on how to do something or how to use something.
• We have these manuals for everyone in our life and we love them but when they don't act according to our manual, we are very disappointed or even angry.
• Be true to ourselves and let other people be true to themselves.

Featured on today's episode:

• Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year
• Life School Coach
• Google about Manual
• "I love you, You're Perfect, Now Change"
• Wife Swap

 If you want to find out more about how coaching with me will help you get in touch with your dreams and start living them, here are some resources for you.

Book a Free Strategy Call  Click here to book a call with me

Get my Free Course  Click Here to learn How to Get 10 Hours Back a Week

Get my free workbook Click here to download  How to Coach Yourself

What You'll Learn from this Episode:

1. Operating Manual in real life is like you're looking for guidance on how to navigate life effectively.

2. There isn't a literal "operating manual" for life, there are various philosophies, principles, and advice that people have found helpful in different aspects of life.

3. Set clear, achievable goals for different areas of your life, whether it's personal, professional, health-related, or otherwise. Break these goals into smaller steps and create plans to achieve them.

4. Continuous Learning: Cultivate a growth mindset and commit to lifelong learning. Read books, take courses, and seek new experiences to expand your knowledge and skills.

5. Effective Communication: Improve your communication skills to foster better relationships and collaborations. Active listening, empathy, and clear expression are key components.

6.Remember that everyone's journey is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. It's important to adapt these principles to your own circumstances and values.

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Full Episode Transcript:

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You're listening to The Success Minded Woman with Deidrea Kiesling, Episode 23.

 Hi there and happy end of summer for us here in Texas.  We are going back to school this week, so I took a couple of weeks off this summer to enjoy a little bit of summertime and get those kiddos ready for back to school. So we are sharpening our pencils and packing our backpacks and getting our schedules and finding out the bus route and all the things for back to school.

 So I think we're all looking forward to getting back into a little routine. With three teenagers, it's been hard to get them up in the morning. So anyways,  what's happening here at our household. So I hope everyone's doing well and enjoying the summer and keeping cool. I know for a lot of us all over the country, it's been really hot.

 So anyways, back to the episode for today. I love the idea of operating instructions. I said the idea, not actually using them.  It's a funny story because I am notorious for not following instructions or directions. I really don't like anyone telling me what to do. So even if it's written instructions, it's changed over the years, but in a lot of ways, it's still true.

 I even said during a job interview, when the interviewer asked me about my weaknesses, you know how they do that. Tell me about your strengths. Tell me about your weaknesses. And I told him that I don't follow directions well. I said, navigational directions. I can't read a map. I said, I am very navigationally challenged.

 And so much that I can usually go in the opposite direction of what I think I should do, and that usually turns out to be the right way. I realize how funny that is to tell my future manager that I don't follow directions well, but at the time that was truly what came to my mind because it's so challenging for me, and I didn't make anything about me or about my ability to do the job.

 I just did it as a fact. I'm not good with directions, but I realized after I was thinking about that more and more is that it's a general theme. I think for all of us that we don't like to follow instructions or we don't like to tell people for us to people to tell us what to do. And I think in general, we all just have our own idea about how things should be.

 And when I was pregnant with my first child, my mom gave me this book, Operating Instructions, A Journal of My Son's First Year, by Anne Lamott. This started my love affair with Anne Lamott, and I will do a whole podcast episode about her in the future, but if you can't wait, then I highly recommend to start with this book.

 If you're a mother or you want to be a mother, this book should be prescribed by every OBGYN. I devoured that book and I fell in love with the idea of an instruction guide for life. And what I really loved about her book is how messy and crazy that first year with her son was. Her astonishment of how hard it was and how tired she was.

 She could never even have imagined that a human could be that tired. She mused about how the baby had stolen her heart. And then in the very next breath she couldn't imagine how life ever existed before he was born. If only these babies came with operating instructions. That was basically the premise of her book, of her memoir.

 And really her experience of that journal, that memoir of that first year of life, is that even if there were operating instructions, Your life your personal experience with your child, with your motherhood, it's always going to be unique to you. And I just love that book for just the way she shared all the beautiful aspects of that first year and all the hard parts and the challenges that first year of motherhood brings for all of us.

 But it got me thinking about this idea of operating instructions and if we all came with operating instructions and really that it can be no other way than creating the operating instructions for ourself and for our life because we're unique and our lives are and experiences are unique and there is no way that one book or one person or one manual or instruction guide could ever cover all the scenarios and the Up and downs in the experience of our life.

 So I like to think of operating instructions as more as like a guidebook, a frame of reference, but it's really up to us to create our own operating instructions for us, for our life. The problem is that we often don't realize that we do have these operating instructions, I like to say, are manual of how things should be.

 I learned about this concept when I was in my certification at the Life Coach School. We did a whole study about manuals because it's these sort of underlying operating instructions, these manuals that we have, for our life. It's how we think we should be, how we think others should be, how they should be in the world, which basically everyone but us.

 We have manuals for our spouse, our children, our friends, our neighbors, the clerk at the grocery store, the drivers in traffic, the weather, the airlines, our kids, teachers, our family, our mothers and fathers. We have big manuals for them with Detailed table of contents of all the things that they should have done, that they should not have done, and how they should be now with us in our lives, with our kids etc.

 We have a manual for everything. Google says a manual is a book that gives you practical instructions on how to do something or how to use something. And we have these unspoken manuals, these unspoken instructions that we operate. Operate by in our lives about everyone in our lives about how they should be about how they should behave so that we can feel good and be happy in our lives.

 So basically if they would just do what we want them to do, then we would all be happy and that reminds me of this. There was this off broadway play. I actually never saw it. I always wanted to, but I loved the title of it, which was, "I love you, You're Perfect, Now Change". And I think that's how we have these manuals for everyone in our life.

 We love them. We think they're perfect, and yet, if they could only do this or that or the other thing, then they would be better, and then we would experience life better. But we generally don't tell the other people what is our manual for them, what are the operating instructions that we have for them and for their interactions with us.

 And oftentimes, we don't even realize that we have them. We just have the pain and the angst that causes us when things don't work out for us when people don't operate the way we think they should. And we often think that people should just know what we want from them, how they should be. And then when they don't act according to our manual, we are very disappointed or even angry.

 And here's some examples of manuals, operating instructions, and see if you can relate to some of these. She should call me back when I call her. She should text me back when I text her. He should remember my birthday. She should invite me when she has a party. She should write me a thank you note. He should listen to me for as long as I listen to him.

 She should come to the hospital when my father is sick. He should tell me that he loves me. He should get a card and a gift and make reservations for our anniversary. He should know what I like. These are simple and brief, but the truth is that most of us have these manuals and many pages long with a table of contents and tabs for all kinds of situations.

 But do you see how when we have these manuals, these expectations of how people should be, how they should... How they should operate for us to meet our expectations, it makes us feel bad. They're simple and brief, but the truth is that most of us have manuals that are many pages long. So that's a big one for me. I used to joke to my husband That it would be so much easier if he could just read my mind and then do exactly what I want. I Told him that a couple of times. So this reminds me of this TV show. I don't know if it's on anymore, but it's called "wife swap". It was a reality show where wives switch families for a week, So the premise was basically to show how different families operate in their family.

 So one was from the city, one was from the country. These are just examples. One was from a very strict household and one was very conservative. One was liberal with the kids. One was very strict with the kids. One family let the kids, dye their hair and kind of wear whatever they want.

 And the other one made their kids really dress prim and proper and The way the parents wanted them to. So really, the setup is a true fish out of water. And so anyway, the show would open showing each family on a typical day, and then would zoom in on the manual.

 And this was a notebook that had tabs and Pages of written instructions. It was a binder that the wife had prepared for the new wife. It was an instruction guide for how to run the household, the kids schedule, what foods they like, what activities they do, and how the family, what the family does. And there were very specific instructions, like John must be in bed with the lights out by 830 and He would have a breakdown of if the timesevents are anywhere less than that, then others would be much more open, like when the kids are ready, they'll go to bed.

 I'm exaggerating, but you get the idea. Each wife had a manual for their household, and the show made them literally write it down, and so really that's when the show gets good, they show the wives traveling to their new families for the week, and the cameras follow her, the new wife follow her as she's walking around the new family's house with the running commentary of her observations and interpretations and stories she is creating about the family before she even meets them.

 She doesn't know anything about them except how many kids they have and you start to see the world through her view and you get a really good picture of what she is thinking and the audience is already anticipating the clash that is coming when she meets the family. So as she's common, doing the commentary of what she's seeing, you're experiencing her manual real time of what she's thinking.

 And they are questioning some of the things like, oh, why do they have the trash can here instead of over there? Why do they have the dishes in this cabinet instead of this cabinet? So they're really just noticing all these things that are different. And right out of the gate, they're saying, oh, no, we're not going to do that this week. Or, oh, no, we're not doing that this week as they start reading through the manual. And so the week begins and by the end, each family has learned so many things about how the different families are and how they can all learn from each other. The strict families are learning how to have more fun and loosen up a bit.

 The liberal families are learning how to have a bit more structure and rules. They've all learned and grown and they all hug each other and it's the end. Of course, in real life, it's not that clear cut that we realize the manuals that we all have the manuals and how to be flexible in the manuals.

 But it's really good. It's a very good example of how we have manuals in our lives. And so basically at the end, each family has updated their manual based on their experience of living in someone else's manual for a week. And that's what I want for us to think about your manuals, the ones that you have in your head, the ones that you filter.

 All of your life experiences through and notice when you cut yourself thinking this should be this way or that should have been that way whenever we are thinking about what someone else should do or be or react or handle any situation or how we should be or act or think or look. These are all our manuals.

 And when we can recognize that we have the manuals, we can change our manuals. But first we have to be aware that we have them. So here's an example of a manual that I had for years. And when I finally realized that it was a manual of how I thought it should be, then I could take responsibility for how I wanted it to be.

 Mother's Day. I have many iterations of Mother's Day from when I had three little babies until now I have three teenagers. But I always had this fantasy in my head of how Mother's Day should be. And it changed as my kids got older. And the manual would change as they got older. And then a few years ago, as Mother's Day approached, I considered how I wanted it to be.

 By then I'd learned about this concept of having a manual and I was really evaluating all the manuals that I had in my life. And I decided on purpose what my manual would be.  What I wanted it to be for Mother's Day, and then here is the really good part of a manual that I want you to take away from this.

 It's okay to have a manual when you realize you have a manual, and then you can share your manual, which is basically your expectations, to the other people so they know the manual, because unless you tell them, they don't know because they can't read our mind. And so what I told my kids, I thought about what I wanted for Mother's Day.

 So my manual was that they should want to write me a card and tell me how much they love me and not want to do anything that day except for what I want to do and plan an outing or a dinner.  Well, that never happened. I'm sure you can relate. Bits and pieces would happen, but I was always disappointed with some part of it.

 Then, three years ago, as Mother's Day approached, I considered my manual, what I wanted to experience on Mother's Day, and then I told my family my manual. I didn't rely on them to read my mind on what I wanted, I told them. I want to be by myself in the morning, to walk and journal and basically have some alone time.

 I want each kid to write me a handwritten note, and I want them to tell me what they love best about me and why they are happy I am their mother. Then I want for all of us to go out to a late lunch at a Mexican restaurant. I want to take a picture with all of us. I want to have a pleasant conversation with laughter and no fighting.

 Then when we get home for Mother's Day lunch, it's over. Mother's Day is over and everyone can go back to doing whatever they wanted to do. And then it becomes just another regular Sunday. This is so freeing and I highly recommend that you consciously create your own manuals for the things that are important to you and then drop the rest.

 You can drop the manuals you have for yourself and others that are not useful, that make you feel bad, that create disappointment for you. Think about any experience that you have or any event that you're going to or any special occasion. You can think in advance. Think what your manual is, what you want to have, what experience you want to have, and then you can share it with them, with the people that you want to experience it with.

 Because, fortunately and unfortunately, people cannot read our minds and they can't necessarily anticipate what we have in our manual for them. So that is what I want for all of us to pay attention to our manuals, to pay attention to the operating instructions that we have created intentionally and unintentionally for ourselves and for all the people in our lives and all the people that we experience out in the world. And this is a way for you to take control of your life, to take control of your experience of your life, and to let everyone be themselves. And that really is the best gift that we can give ourselves, and we can give everyone else, is to let's just all be true.

 Be true to ourselves and let other people be true to themselves. And then when we can share our manuals and our operating instructions of how we want those relationships to go, then we can all grow together. All right. So I hope that you all have taken something away from today and maybe give a little thought to some manuals that you have in your life, and if you wanna get extra bonus points for taking action, really get out a journal and write out your Manner manual.

 Maybe it could be for your family or for yourself, or maybe just a little part of a relationship that you have with a friend. or with the coworker or with the boss or with the kid, but just give it some thought about what is my manual for this person, for the, for my relationship with this person. And you will get a lot of insight with that.

 And then you can take that and communicate the things that are appropriate, but also just in your own mind, decide how you want to be in that relationship. What expectations you want to drop and what manual you want to drop for that person or that interaction or that relationship. So yeah, I hope that you do that.

And if you do, you can always reach out to me. You can email me, Deidrea at the Dream Academy. You can message me on Facebook. And I'm here for you. So if you have any questions, if you want to share your manual with me I would be happy to give you some feedback and help you with that. So I'm here for you.

I want to support you. We are all in this journey together. This human experience that we're all sharing together. And thank you so much for spending these few minutes with me today. And I just love you so much. And I'm so glad that you're listening and have a great week. And I will talk to you soon.

Bye.